To swipe or not to swipe?...that is the question!
So, if you’re new here; welcome beautiful person to the stories of my life musings. This blog is a light bit of reading whilst you’re waiting for your takeaway coffee, getting a pedicure, waiting for the kids to finish school <enter any pre or post lockdown scenario here>
This is entertainment - there is no fact checking, no filtering and take or leave any advice given as you see fit. If you don’t like it, disagree with it or are easily offended; please stop reading. but If you like it and are even a little bit entertained then great, you’re my people and I love knowing that I’ve made your world a bit brighter. Settle in folks, there is something for everyone here (except, it may not suitable reading for the little peeps). Feel free to share this blog with anyone you think may enjoy it!
I find myself at 46 and single <insert audible aghast, looks of pity, envy and or misunderstanding here> For my fellow singles; as my beautiful friend keeps telling me, we’ve just gotta own it! We’re not heroes, we’re not spinsters, we’re not unlovable, we’re just humans who haven’t picked their person yet! For those of you that are in a relationship - any degree of happiness will do, I know the grass isn’t always greener and hopefully you’ll gain insight into the magical world of being single in your 40’s in 2021!
So, as I just announced, admitted and declared: I’m single. I’ve been single for about 7 years and my current relationship status is not a deliberate choice, it’s more of a forced sabbatical! For some context; this was not the plan, this was not how my inner control freak saw her 40’s playing out. No, this is an adventure and one I didn’t sign up for, that I have no idea how to navigate and I’m not always sure I’m enjoying it to be brutally honest. However, I’m “MacGyver-ing” my way through it (apologies for the out-of-date reference but that’s how I roll) with no real way of knowing how it’s going to turn out. I don’t want to lose you to your socials or Netflix so early in the post but I do need to be honest: I’m looking for a great love, a true love, a relationship full of joy, room to grow, happiness, respect, romance and that “I just can’t stop kissing him” kinda love. I’ll put my hand up and say that years ago - some of those words would have made me throw up in my mouth a little, but even though life has toughened me up, it’s also softened me and made me face up to my truth - even if that includes the soppy love stuff!
So now that’s out of the way - the real reason I’m writing this is to reflect on the journey I have taken to get here. Apparently, my stories of the “You can’t make this shit up” genre are quite entertaining. So in this age of oversharing; I’ve decided to do just that. It’s all here my friends; blind dates, dating apps, set ups, randoms and the ghosters (men who dissappear as if they were a ghost and you never hear from them again). These are the stories that have written themselves over a decade of searching for man of dreams or as i like to call him MOD. So strap yourself in and get ready for the first instalment. Today’s topic is online dating …. this is an introduction of sorts - trust me though there are plenty of dating stories coming I promise.
Today we’re just dipping our toe in, so whether this is a cautionary tale of things to possibly come for you or if you’re a fellow single, just know that you’re not alone and apparently, it’s therapeutic to laugh about it! Here we go…
Go online they said... it’ll be fun they said!
As a tres chic single gal about town with work, catching up with friends, exercise (OK OK a walk with a latte and maybe the occasional run) and having a cheeky glass of vino or two. When strutting my stuff, nothing stops me in my tracks quite like the question ... Have you tried internet/online dating apps?
In this ever changing, very technically savvy world; the ways to meet that special someone are many and online dating apps are apparently now the way to go.
My disclaimer here is that I do have friends who’ve had success at finding love with online dating. I am by no means discrediting it, as I know it works for some, I am purely sharing my experiences. I’m no one trick wonder either my friends, I’ve road-tested a few.
Bumbling to find love
Love me Tinder
Serious about Harmonizing
Is this really Happn?
I’m becoming unHinged
Plenty of Fish, sharks, octopus you name it!
Take me to your Inner Circle
Which leads me the question…Should we keep playing? When the search for love turns into a game of yes and no based on their looks, age and how far away from you they are, should we play?
Well, it would seem the answer is...Yes! You do have to play if only for fear of being left alone in single exile with no way out.
He swipes me, he swipes me not!
When I was first introduced to the world of dating apps, I thought now we’re talking - I get their age, name, one or two lines about them and a few photos. I use this information to make a purely superficial decision as to whether I like them or not. No judgement here people - to be fair, I’d have less information than this if I were chatting to them at a pub and in that scenario; I’d only get one picture and that would often be with a beer goggle filter on. As I used to say, in my 20’s ‘drink till they’re cute!’ To overcome my guilt for being so flippant, I try and tell myself that there is a legitimate reason for swiping left or right but in truth, it’s as simple as: I liked the look of them, so I swiped accordingly! In my defence, the guys on the other side are doing the exactly the same thing to me.
If you haven’t had the pleasure of seeing one of these apps this should give you a feel for what us girls endure. If you are a single man: listen up! There are a few things we need to discuss. Let’s start with the photos.
Do’s
Show us your eyes
Get a friend to take your picture as you’re all pretty shit at selfies
Show your whole face
Feature cute but alive animals
Smile Take pictures outside
Don’ts
Wear sunnies in all photos
Take bad selfies especially in an elevator – what’s with that guys???
Have a picture of only half your face
Try to be creative - this is not an Instagram photo competition
Half or 3/4 naked selfies in front of bathroom mirrors
Pics with your ex blurred out - special mention to the wedding photos
Pics with you and a whole group of guys, especially when they are all better looking than you and/or you can’t be easily identified in the photo
Photos with hot women (I don’t want competition before we even meet)
And please clean your bedroom and remove all naked females on/in your bed before taking the photo – Yes, this was in an actual profile!
You may laugh but it’s true folks! Bear in mind that these are the BEST photos these humans can find of themselves.
So, you troll through the gallery of potential dates (with the help of a lot of wine) and pick them and/or they pick you and if you like them back…it’s a match! I know I make it sound easy, but I’ve recently set my 2 besties the task to scroll through (supervised of course…these women cannot be trusted not to go rouge and select a few potential dates). I gave them my strict criteria: Age-appropriate, employed, looks normal i.e., doesn’t look like they’ll murder me on the first date. Note: this list used to be considerably longer!
After an hour or so the novelty wore of for them and they realised the dating pool is now a shallow murky puddle!
So, what happens now you ask?
1. Match Notification – ego boost & momentary euphoria!
2. Messaging. After one of us musters up the courage to make the first move, there is the usual banter of “How long have you been single? Do you have kids?” and the other usual getting to know you questions where both parties try their best to sound flirty, smart and funny
3. If you’re lucky, you get the random awkward first phone call, where you spend the whole time revisiting their profile to match the face with voice and you inevitably fact check all the information provided on messages
4. If I’m genuinely interested, I’ll get the bestie to do some background checks! Note: it’s not stalking if you get someone else to do it! Seriously, all this woman needs is a photo, a first name and an hour it’s like having an insider on the secret service.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of potential for ego boosting flirtatiousness in this phase of the process. Hearing things like you’ve got a beautiful smile, love your profile, wow! look at all the places you’ve been, is lovely. But just like the beer goggle men from my 20’s in the harsh light of day the dating app men of my 40’s don’t always live up to their savvy text messaging promises. Ever heard the term: they look good on paper? Well, I’m all too familiar my friend, and what you read ain’t always what you get. Let me explain:
“I’m new to this dating stuff”
Translation:
Man = just broken up/ haven’t moved out yet/ possibly not yet broken up / my mates created my dating profile at the pub last night
Woman = I’ve been single for >1year
“I’m not looking for anything too serious”
Translation:
Man= I want to get laid
Woman= I’m telling you what I think you want to hear
“I’d love to cook you dinner”
Translation:
Man= GO TO move to get women to come to their place and sleep with them
Woman= he’s trying to woo me with his culinary skills, how sweet
Anyhoo, you get the idea!
Bonus Round - occasionally you will get the early sexter with a good ole dick pic just so you know what you’re signing up for. Yes, this actually happens!!! Yes, it has happened to me and no I had no idea what I was supposed to do. What I did do was write back with “I’m no doctor but that doesn’t look right” evidently that was not the correct response!
So, What’s the alternative?
Well to be honest, at this age I’m not going to screw the crew (it might’ve been fun in your 20’s but trust me there is nothing to smile about in your 40’s when you’ve slept with a colleague it was very bad and now, you’re in a 4hr workshop together). I’m all out of friends of friends, after some recon work on Facebook all the cute guys I went to high school with have clearly used up all their good looks and as for the lovers of the past most of them are on “the island” and the ones that got away …. should stay that way (just take my word for it).
Lucky for me, my sunny disposition and hopeful heart are resilient, and I continue the long and colourful journey that is finding my someone special, my man of dreams.
In my next instalment (I promise it won’t be too long next time) I’ll start to share some of the dating stories, of which there are many!
Until then stay safe, keep smiling and always be your beautiful self.
From one beautiful person to another!
L x
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